


If Non Can Learn to Do It

by AuroraBorealia, LadyNorbert



Series: Twice Upon an Age [5]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: And Now For Something Completely Different, Broadway References, Gen, Musical References, Varric Tethras Writes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-12-18 09:59:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18247541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraBorealia/pseuds/AuroraBorealia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyNorbert/pseuds/LadyNorbert
Summary: In this one-shot outtake, Varric and "Scholar" (with help from a friend) mix the Twiceverse with the Broadway musical Anastasia. It makes about as much sense as you expect.





	If Non Can Learn to Do It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tk31085](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tk31085/gifts).



> Hey friends! I've just returned from my annual convention sojourn, Zenkaikon, with my best friend Andrea and my frequent co-conspirator AuroraBorealia. Andrea had some new requests for her beloved Mahanon, one of which was to fuse the Twiceverse with the song "You Can Learn to Do It" from Anastasia. It took me a little while but I think I've got it. And yes, if you look up the song, these new lyrics do scan with the real ones. It's just something silly and fun while I get other projects moving, I hope you enjoy it!

“Varric, I have a bone to pick with you.”

“Sparkler. You came all this way to attend my party and you’re going to complain?” The Viscount paused. “What are you doing at my desk?”

“I knew you and that - what do you call her? Scholar? I know you’re writing the history of the Inquisition.”

“And you thought, what? That you’d get some spoilers?”

“Something like that. But my question is - what is _this_?” Dorian brandished a sheaf of papers at Varric, who took them and studied them quizzically.

“Oh, this? Scholar’s best friend is low-key obsessed with some musical play and so we threw this together with one of her other friends.” He shrugged. “Why?”

“There was a musical number in Skyhold and I wasn’t included!”

“Sparkler, this didn’t actually _happen_.”

“But it could have!”

“No, I’m pretty sure it couldn’t...”

 

* * *

 

_In the Inquisitors’ bedroom, Josephine and Leliana are attempting to school Mahanon in Orlesian etiquette and courtly behavior. Victoria and Cassandra are watching; Cassandra looks dubious, while Victoria is only barely concealing her amusement._

 

**LELIANA**

You really need to know these things before we go, Lord Inquisitor.

 

**MAHANON**

I really don’t think I do. I’m barely going to be in the ballroom, I’ll be doing important things like _hunting for a murderer before they can commit a murder_. Kind of takes priority.

 

**JOSEPHINE**

But we do still need to present you to the court, so for the short time you are before their eyes, you’ll need to understand these things. We even prepared a song.

 

**MAHANON**

You did what now?

 

**LELIANA**

We pulled in one of our field agents to provide instrumentals.

 

_ZITHER! appears from more or less out of nowhere and strums an enormous guitar. Mahanon glances at Victoria as if to say “Are you seeing this?” and she just laughs and shrugs. ZITHER! continues playing as the advisors begin to sing._

 

**JOSEPHINE**

We’ll take you to a palace in the west.

 

**MAHANON**

A palace in the west?

 

**CASSANDRA**

You think that’s best?

 

**LELIANA**

Oh, my, yes!

You’ll be dancing like a noble when we’re done.

 

**MAHANON**

That doesn’t sound like fun.

 

**JOSEPHINE**

And the Dowager!

 

**LELIANA**

Lady Mantillon!

Natural charm you’ll unleash on everyone.

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Your Worship, we can help.

 

**MAHANON**

I think I might be sick...

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

We’ve lots and lots to teach you and the day is coming quick!

 

**LELIANA (spoken)**

Let's see your footwork.

Arms up,

Graceful steps!

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Now hold your partner's waist like this and you will cut a dashing pair.

 

**MAHANON**

I feel a little stupid. Am I dashing?

 

**LELIANA**

Like a wounded bear.

 

**JOSEPHINE**

You give a bow.

 

**MAHANON**

What happens now?

 

**LELIANA**

You give her hand a kiss.

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

Most of all remember this -

If Cass can learn to do it

 

**CASSANDRA**

( _*Disgusted noise*_ )

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

You can learn to do it.

Something in you knows it.

There’s nothing to it!

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Follow in my footsteps

Shoe by shoe.

 

**LELIANA (spoken)**

Ooh, shoes!

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

You can learn to do it too!

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Now, shoulders back and stand up straight,

And do not take the steps too fast.

 

**MAHANON**

And how long will this rubbish last?

 

**LELIANA, ASIDE TO JOSEPHINE**

You'd swear he was a Pentaghast.

 

**JOSEPHINE**

The Allemande!

 

**LELIANA**

The Au Courante!

 

**MAHANON**

Tiny cakes and then goodnight?

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

Not unless you do this right!

 

**JOSEPHINE**

If I can learn to do it

 

**LELIANA**

If she can learn to do it

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

You can learn to do it

 

**LELIANA**

Pull yourself together

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

And you’ll pull through it

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Tell yourself it’s easy

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

And it’s true

You can learn to do it too!

 

**LELIANA (spoken)**

Who is the leader of the Council of Heralds?

 

**MAHANON (spoken)**

Duke Bastien de Ghislain.

 

**JOSEPHINE (spoken)**

Who was Empress Celene's father?

 

**MAHANON (spoken)**

Uh... Prince Reynaud Valmont.

 

**JOSEPHINE (spoken)**

Your favorite food is?

 

**MAHANON (spoken)**

Halla cheese and venison sandwiches.

 

**LELIANA (spoken)**

Wrong. Your favorite food is -

 

**MAHANON (spoken)**

I know what my favorite food is!

 

**LELIANA (spoken)**

Such a temper.

 

**MAHANON (spoken)**

I don’t like being contradicted!

 

**JOSEPHINE (spoken)**

No one does, Your Worship. Perhaps we might move on?

 

**MAHANON**

No! I’ve had it!

I hate you both!

I shouldn’t have agreed to this.

I’m hungry, I’m tired,

And I’m not a human - I’m Dalish!

I don’t care about anything

You’re saying - leave me be!

 

_He storms over to the white settee near Victoria’s bed and grips the railing in both hands. Victoria has, to this point, been watching the proceedings with amusement; however, seeing that he really is very frustrated by the whole thing, holds up a hand to her advisors and crosses the room._

 

**VICTORIA**

Nonny, darling... look at me.

 

_He relents only because it’s her. She gives him a little smile._

 

**VICTORIA**

It's ridiculous;

I've known since way back when.

Come on, we'll start again.

Take a breath, count to ten.

You're more noble

Than those fops will ever be.

They expect an elven savage,

But we'll give them a surprise!

The Right Hand of Andraste can do anything he tries!

Ready?

 

**CASSANDRA ( _encouragingly_ )**

Set?

 

**MAHANON**

( _*sighs*_ ) Go.

 

**LELIANA**

Now you will meet Empress Celene

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Who took the throne

At just sixteen!

 

**MAHANON**

So?

 

**LELIANA**

She’s in a war with Gaspard

He’s her cousin

 

**VICTORIA**

Got it, Non?

 

**MAHANON**

No.

 

**LELIANA**

Grand Duchess Florianne is short

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Halamshiral

 

**MAHANON**

Is now the

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Court

 

**LELIANA**

Duke Prosper

 

**JOSEPHINE**

Held a wyvern hunt

 

**LELIANA**

I heard his death was quite the stunt!

 

**MAHANON (spoken)**

I hear the ham tastes like despair.

 

**LELIANA (spoken)**

( _*pause*_ ) I hadn’t planned on going there...

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

If you can learn to do it

 

**MAHANON**

If I can learn to do it

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

We can learn to do it

 

**MAHANON**

You can learn to do it

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

Pull yourself together

 

**ALL**

And we’ll pull through it

 

**LELIANA**

Tell yourself it’s easy

 

**ALL**

And it’s true

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

You can learn to do it

 

**VICTORIA**

Nothing to it

 

**ALL**

You can learn to do it

 

**MAHANON**

The Dowager

The Au Courante

Disgusting ham

A wyvern hunt

The cousins fight

The Duchess short

And here a court

And there a stunt

The Empress was a teenager

So tell me, are we through?

 

**LELIANA AND JOSEPHINE**

Ha!

 

**MAHANON**

Ugh.

 

**ALL**

You can learn to do it too!

 

* * *

 

“So?” Varric asked finally. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re right,” said Dorian. “This would never have happened. But, you know, splendid effort and all of that. Just… what’s the phrase? Don’t quit your day job.”

 

~Fin~


End file.
